Warriors Parody
by Lilypelt
Summary: A warriors parody. Rated T for themes and references. A small amount of cussing.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own warriors. Why would I own warriors? This is a fanfiction website, not a fiction website. If I owned warriors, why would I be here? Would I really be lonely enough to write fanfiction about my own books?

"It's here!" Somecat yowled.

A box arrived with Sandstorm's sugary treats (my tribute to lugirocks, an inspiration for this fanfiction.)

"Those look good," Lionblaze meowed through slobber.

In the queen's den, Poppyfrost was grooming Cherryfrost and Molefrost, even though they were grown warriors.

"Mom! You beotch; stop doing that! It's embarrassing!"

"You have to look nice dear for today's….." Poppyfrost mewed "Today's….."

Outside, Leafpool was having a seizure again. Jayfeather didn't notice, as Leafpool's seizure was quiet and without any smell whatsoever. And Jayfeather couldn't see, after all. Plus, he was too busy receiving a prophecy from starclan.

_You must watch the Real Housewives of New Jersey to save the clan…_

Dovewing and Bumblestripe were eating mice in a bush. Or atleast, that's what they told everyone.

"May all cats old enough to walk to the highledge walk to the highledge!" Firestar yowled. Dovewing and Bumblestripe emerged from the bush where they were… eating mice, and Leafpool continued to have a seizure.

"Damn, does that bush shake when Bumblestripe and Dovewing eat mice. I don't suspect anything, though." Said Foxleap.

"Okay, Sandstorm is waiting for me, so let's keep this short and sweet." Firestar announced. "It has come to my attention that leafbare is coming. And it looks to be a cold one. So we must prepare!" Firestar brought out two needles and a ball of yarn. "Thunderclan will knit scarves! We can sell the extras to buy a bigger den for all of Dovewing and Bumblestripe's kits. Because they eat so many mice, that is."

A murmur of approval ran through the crowd. But then one cat stood up.

"This is an outrage!" Thornclaw yowled.

"Shaddup Thornclaw, you beotch, your always against everything we decide to do."

Soon, all of the cats in the camp were wearing sweaters. Except Purdy. He was wearing a rainbow sweater-vest, because he was the Thunderclan gay Tom.

Whitewing was on a walk when her paw got stuck in a rabbit hole.

"Help! It's stuck!" She wailed.

"That's what she said." Giggled Toadstep.

"But look at this tunnel!"

"What about it?"

"It's so long!"

"That's what she said."

Lilykit scampered by, and saw a pretty flower. "Can I touch it?"

"That's what she said." Mewed toadstep.

Jayfeather was giving Whitewing a large root to chew on to ease the pain from escaping from the rabbit hole.

"I can't fit my mouth around it, Jayfeather!"

"That's what she said." Piped in Toadstep.

"How'd you even get in here, Toadstep?"

Outside, Brambleclaw was talking to the clan.

"I'll organize the patrols."

"That's what she said." Giggled Toadstep.

"I don't even see how that works…"


	2. Chapter 2

Lionblaze got a fan to blow on his fur and walked through the camp slowly and dramatically to get attention.

Leafpool was having a seizure. Jayfeather still couldn't hear her, because he was too busy watching (or listening to) _The Real Housewives of New Jersey_ to save the clan.

Dovewing and Bumblestripe emerged from the bush, finished… eating mice. Dovewing was putting her bra back on.

All was quiet. Then, there was a rumble coming from the forest. A small, female, orange twoleg stumbled into the camp with a martini in one hand and a pickle in the other.

"OMG it's an oompa loompa!" Mewed Lilykit excitedly.

"No, you beotch it's Snooki." Jayfeather slapped Lilykit. He had been keeping up with the Jersey Shore lately. J Woww was in a fierce relationship that she could not miss.

"Are there any guidos here?" The Snooki thing blubbered, drunkenly, suppressing a hiccup. "Cuz I can screw them right n-" She was interrupted by her own puking.

"We must do something!" Firestar yowled. He and all of the toms except Purdy jumped on the Snooki thing and humped it. It ran away screaming.

"Damn! I wish she'd stayed…" Lionblaze thought. In his head, he thought of him CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED her and taking his CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED and twisting the CENSORED CENSORED in her CENSORED CENSORED CENSORE with his CENSORED CENSORED.

Leafpool continued to seizure.

Firestar was giving lessons on how to do his new fighting technique.

"To do 'The Hump', you must jump on that beotch and move your ass back and forth!"

Dovewing demonstrated with Bumblestripe.

"Very good! I'd think you'd had practice, but of course your usually behind the bush all day… eating mice.

Purdy had an announcement to make.

"I'M GOING SHOPPING!" He yowled across the clearing. All of the she-cats shrieked excitedly.

"Can I come?"

"And me?"

"I need new sex toys!"

"You gals can all come! And we can get our claws done while we're there!" Purdy gossiped.

As all the cats arrived at the shopping mall (every single tom's mates had made them come, and the few left didn't have anything better to do, except for Leapool, who was having a seizure,) Firestar and Graystripe made a beeline for the Build-A-Bear.

"Ooh! Maybe I should get a… what's this thing?" Asked Graystripe as he examined one of the stuffed animals on the shelves.

"It says… C-c-c… a..t?" Responded Firestar.

"You mean guacamole?"

"Oh! Of course."

Poppyfrost was picking out clothes for Cherryfrost and Molefrost.

"Oh you'll look so cute in this Thomas the Tank Engine shirt, Molefrost!"

"Mom, please! I'm a warrior now."

Dovewing and Bumblestripe went shopping for bushes to… eat mice behind.

At the end of the day, the cats had gotten many things. Graystripe and Firestar has each made their own stuffed guacamole-bears, Dovewing found a nice bush, Poppyfrost returned with tons of bags that she made Berrynose carry, Purdy had his nails done, Squirrelflight made out with Brambleclaw behind the Wal-Mart, and Sandstorm bought a cake icing kit. Her name was Icingkit.


	3. Chapter 3

Icingkit was putting the finishing touches on a wedding cake for Dovewing and Bumblestripe. They were getting married!

They chose Purdy as the best man, but then reconsidered, because Purdy didn't really qualify as a man. They chose Lionblaze instead.

It turned out that the only cat in the camp qualified to do a wedding ceremony was Leafpool.

_Fast forward to the wedding…_

"Eueadkloflahflasheblee?" Leafpool seizured.

"I do." Mewed Bumblestripe.

"Shabelalshepotatokwfu?"

"I do." Meowed Dovewing.

"Ialksjhrjshiahsdu!"

The crowd cheered. Except for Thornclaw.

"This is an outrage!"

"SHADDUP THORNCLAW!" The clan yowled in unison.

Dovewing agreed to take the surname of Bumblestripe, but things got messed up, and she became Dovebumble.

"You go girl!" Purdy cooed, "YOLO!"

It was a dark and stormy night. But nothing happened, and the next day was full of flowers and unicorns, much to Purdy's delight.

In the Warriors den, Hollyleaf was reading a twoleg book called _Warriors._

"OMG! This Rusty guy is a total BEOTCH!" She exclaimed.

Firestar padded in.

"I've read that book. Rusty is a total ass." He commented.

Dustpelt teleported into the room.

"How the hell did you do that, Dustpelt?" Firestar meowed.

"Dustpelt out!" Dustpelt faded into a shimmer of mist and appeared across the clearing.

Leafpool finally stopped having a seizure.

But then, realizing this would make the fanfiction boring, she continued.

_Inside Firestar's den, the TV is blaring a show called __THUNDERCLAN NEWS__**.**_

"Hi! I'm Sandstorm, and this is Thunderclan News!" Sandstorm began. "Our first story is breaking news! After investigation of bushes, it turns out that Bumblestripe and Dovewing are NOT eating mice behind their bush!" _Dramatic pause. "_They're eating squirrels!"

"Our next story is from the medicine cat's den. What is happening, Foxleap?"

_Camera switches to Foxleap, in front of Jayfeather._

"Well, in this interesting story," he began, "it turns out that Jayfeather is grumpy! No one saw that coming. Back to you, Sandstorm."

"Thanks, Foxleap. Remember to tune in for next week's show, the cat Emmys, Oscars, and Grammys!"


	4. Chapter 4

"Welcome to the Warriors Grammys, Oscars, and Cat Awards! We were going to have the Tonys and Emmys, too, but then we realized that no cat watches them anyways! I'm your host, Sandstorm! First, we have a performance by Graystripe, with special guest performers, Silverstream and Millie!"

Silverstream: Oh, my, god, Millie, look at her fur! It is so silky, ugh, she looks like one of those rap cats' mates Millie: But, ugh, ya know, who understands those rap Cats?  
Graystripe: I like big fur and I cannot lie! You other toms can't deny! That when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist And a full pelt in your face you get sprung!

_On the side:_

"He's obviously talking about me." Silverstream whispered to Millie."

"'Course not! I'm his mate."

"Take it back!"

"Never!"

_They got into a cat fight, the entire act had to be called off._

"Well, that went well." Sandstorm said with obvious sarcasm. "Well, our first award is for Best Porno!"

_A murmur went through the crowd._

"Our first nomination is _Sexy Cats III,_ by Dovebumble and Bumblestripe!"

_Clapping_

"Our second is for… Nevermind that, all of the nominations are towards Dovebumble and Bumblestripe! Congratulations, you two!"

"Our next award is for the grumpiest cat. Nominations! Jayfeather. Graystripe. Sands- wait what? ME?" Sandstorm stomped offstage.

Foxleap ran onto the stage. "They told me that this would probably happen, so I am the guest host! Anyways, our final nomination is: Bluestar!"

"The winner is… Jayfeather!"

_Clapping_

"Thank you! Thank you!" Jayfeather meowed. "NOW SHADDUP AND SIT DOWN."

_Crowd silent._

"For our next category, we have Song of the Year! To present our nominations, we have Breezepelt!"

"First nomination," Breezepelt mewed, "_Black Cats in Paris_, by Jayfeather Z! For our second, we have Starlingray Jepsen with _Call Me Maybe_! And our third and final nomination goes to Purdy, with his single _Sparkling Rainbow Shopping_!"

"And the prize goes to…"

_A hush fell over the audience…_

"Starlingray Jepsen with _Call Me Maybe! _Congrats!"

"Thank you, Breezepelt." Foxleap came back onstage. "For our final award, we have the award for Most Unimportant Cat! Our four nominations are: Toadstep, Brackenfur, Ratscar, and Breezepelt! And the award goes to… Toadstep!"

_No one came up to get the award_.

"Uh, Toadstep?" Foxleap mewed?

Somecat stood up. "No one bothered to invite him."

"Oh well…" Foxleap shrugged. "That's our show for today! Thank you, and have a good moonhigh!"


	5. Chapter 5

Firestar made an announcement. "May all cats BLABEDYBLAH come here!" He yowled. "To generate extra revenue for the clan, we will start our own TV show, titled _Thunderclans Got Talent!_ Auditions will be held in the concert hall!"

"We have a concert hall?" Thornclaw protested.

"Right between the snack bar and the bowling alley."

"Oh, right." Thornclaw sat back down.

_A while later, at the concert hall._

"First audition, Purdy!" Millie meowed. Beside her sat Firestar, and Leafpool, the other judges.

"Heeyyy!" Purdy began. "My name is Purdy, as y'all probably already know. I will be dancing to 'Girls Just Want to Have Fun!"

Purdy put a bow in his hair and started wiggling his hips back and forth once the music started. He walked up to Firestar and licked his ear while still shaking his hindquarters.

From somewhere in the audience, Sandstorm freaked out and tackled Purdy. His audition was over.

"Next up, Lionblaze." Firestar announced, shaking the smell of Purdy off his pelt.

"Hi, I'm Lionblaze and I will be flexing my muscles!"

All the she-cats in the crowd shrieked, wailed, or fainted.

"FATHER MY KITS, LIONBLAZE!" Somecat shrieked.

The she-cat judges instantly gave him a yes, which got him in, reguardless of what Firestar said.

"Can we have our next contestant?" Millie proceded.

"Hi I'm Dapplekit," the tiny she-cat mewed nervously, "and I will be singing."

The crowd went _aww…_

She began. "Twinkle, twinkle, little star. How I wonder who you were? Up in starclan oh so high, like a little cat in the sky…"

The crowd went wild.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star. How I wonder who you were."

The crowd exploded. (Metaphorically, except for a kit from Shadowclan, who literally did spontaneously combust…)

It came down to the judges.

"Well, you have a lot to work on," Firestar mewed, then paused, "but it's a yes!"

"I agree with Firestar, although I have to say, no." Millie finished, amid boos and heckles.

". JelspkoidsaojusdaoiuasdoiujNO."

Leafpool seizured. That meant that Dapplekit did not make it.

"Who is our next contestant?" Firestar mewed.

Silence.

"Anyone?"

The stage manager, Icecloud, came onto the stage.

"It seems that no one else was stupid enough to come onto this show to exploit their weird talents. The show is over. That means that our only passed contestant, Lionblaze, has won!"

The she-cats cheered.


End file.
